To remember is a painful thing. But then again, I can’t help but remember the past. It looms like a huge shadow over me, and I can’t escape the memories of those past events I can’t bear to think upon; they crop up in my dreams sometimes.
My name is Meizi. I was born in Heilongjiang District, in the northern part of China. My father was an alcoholic, and I often witnessed him returning home inebriated and beating my mother. She couldn’t take it, and left home, but was found and led back by my father, who then beat her even harder for leaving. My younger brother dropped out of school because of it. My whole life was a nightmare.
A few years later, father passed away, and only then did we live in peace. At university I had a boyfriend who was also a male chauvinist, and didn’t let me draw, even decided when I would return home, what kind of friends I was allowed to make, forbade me from talking to other men. It was excruciating, so in the end I still left him, and threw myself into my studies
Now I live in Beijing, teaching at a university. Thinking back, I can hardly believe the past.
If I there is another life over, I don’t want to be human.
The biggest hope is to leave soon.
My name is Wang Shufan I live in Heilongjiang province Yilan district I married at 18 my husband was two years older than me. Soon after we married he began drinking, for the kids I always endured it. I really wanted to kill him. Then he died himself. Then I found another man and live ‘til now. Now I’m old, and my kids are grown.
I came to Zhuhai after graduation to work as a teacher and met and married my husband through a friend. After marriage, we had a child. Not long after his birth, I found that my husband had an affair and he started coming home less and less frequently, and refuses to talk to me. I’m very sad and I want to divorce him, but when I look at my newborn son I don’t want him to be without a father from such a young age, so I’ve endured it until now.
My dream was to live a normal life, and to marry and have a kid with a responsible husband, living out peaceful days. I married at 24, my husband is a civil servant. We had two kids and the days just went by, one by one, but our marital relationship grew colder and colder. Now it’s been 12 years like this. He’s just like a block of wood, life goes on each day but it’s as if I’m dead and he just gets more and more annoyed with me. Once I always thought it was because of me, that the fault lay with me. Then I discovered his extramarital affairs with countless other women. Half my life is gone and instead I find myself living a lie.
I met my boyfriend at university. He also wanted to go to grad school, so I became a private tutor to support him, and he got into a grad school at a university in Beijing, and I came to find him, but then he already had a new girlfriend. She and I have been pregnanted by him twice, but got an abortion both times because he said it wasn’t the time, that he and I still had school, but my body has suffered greatly. Ever since, I’ve always been depressed, and stopped believing in love, so then I became a prostitute.
Since ancient times, China has been advocating Confucian culture and “the father to son and husband to wife”. Parents beat children, men beat women justly. Until now, there are still many Chinese people with this concept. When I was 11 years old, I witnessed my father beat my mother. Since then, my mother often hid me from my father. When I was 17, my mother became schizophrenic. When I was 23, she ran away from home without a message to us. Only when I was 32, she was found and she was wandering outside. She disappeared for a full nine years, but when she came back, I did not want to see her, perhaps because of fear. She was still in my mind as a violent mother, perverted mother. Maybe because of sadness, I did not want to see her poor look. I think my energy was taken away by her. I received a variety of art treatments until I was 34 before I met a psychotherapist that I would trust. I made my story a short film called “Lost” ……